Well not quite. But seriously, die already!

My real gripe is with Entertainment Tonight who broke the story of Swayze’s imminent death back in the beginning of March 2008.  The headline was “Patrick Swayze, 4 Weeks to Live” and was delivered by none other than TV’s favourite wench Mary Hart.  Well guess fucken’ what?  Buddy is still alive and kickin’.  Boooooring!  I declare first-rate shenanigans on that bogus adventure.

Truthfully though, don’t you think Mary Hart would look much more attractive swimming in a vat of molten lava?  I’m just saying.  I really think tabloid reporters should all be herded into a murder-shower and have it broadcast on live TV.  Who else would find that wildly entertaining?  We can bill it as a comedy and charge $20 a pop for the DVD version where I do the narrative and we’ll play the Benny Hill theme song over it! (Trademarking that idea, just so you know)

The best quote I read from P-Sway when discussing his death - “I’m a miracle dude - I don’t know why”.  First off, there is only one guy who can call himself a “dude”, and that’s THE DUDE.  Secondly, who even talks like that?  I know you were in Donnie Darko, but seriously, now you’re comparing yourself to Christ?  I don’t think the Christians are gonna like that one pal!  The only ones performing miracles around here are J.C. and Tom Cruise (that’s what Scientologists do, right?).

The fact remains, Swayze stared in some really crappy movies and now he’s totally pulling a Magic Johnson on everyone.  I don’t like it… not one bit.  If this doesn’t end soon, I’m seriously going to bop Swazey and Mary Hart’s heads together like Moe did to Larry and Curly.

Then we’ll see who’s dying! (Dying like a fox!)