Just came across this, for all your LOST-igators.  The REAL Season 5 Promo Trailer.

Enjoy!

So I just got back from Las Vegas, hence the lack of postages.  Sorry, I didn’t bring you guys anything back.  Well… maybe a few STD’s. But seriously, I hear the Clap isn’t really a big deal (5 red pills, 5 blue pills, easy-peezy).

Highlights of my trip:

• Running into the American’s Next Top Model girls at Caesars and laughing in their face, then yelling out “Is that Tyra’s lunch?” when the huge food cart rolled out. (Okay, that only happened in my head, but still)
• Spending copious amounts of money on Vodka, stumbling up to my hotel room and puking out the over-sized Carnegie’s corned beef sandwich I had eaten for lunch. That shit was all over the bathroom floor and garbage can! All the while my friend was puking his chicken salad lunch in the sink.  Did anyone consider using the toilet - No.
• Not getting arrested! Go me.

Anywho, I’ll get my creative juices flowing this week and grace you with something funny, or at least something you won’t regret in the morning (like 90% of your sexual encounters).

Since it’s the day after Thanksgiving (Canada), and I’m totally feeling the effects of the “itis“, I’m going to laze out and just post a video that is both hillarious and fucken hillarious at the same time.

Is there anything funnier than people getting hit with things? Especially on bikes. (Hint: NO)

I came across a new story today on the front page of the CNN website’s “Crime” section that helped me conclude that the people at CNN are unfit to write news stories.

Call me insensitive, whatever, I’ve heard it all before. But this is the caption CNN posted under their news story if you’re unable to read it from the photo.

A man who kicked his girlfriend’s daughter in the head, decapitated her and dumped her body in the woods is convicted of murder. The verdict resolves a case that haunted the Kansas City, Missouri, area during the four years the 3-year-old was known only as “Precious Doe.”

Do you have to point out the fact they he kicked her in the head? Is decapitation just not enough? He actually CUT HER HEAD OFF, I think the fact that he kicked it first is kind of moot at this point, agree?

Not to mention the fact that the actual story itself is rife with run on sentences, lack of punctuation and plenty of potential for reader confusion.  Who writes for the Associated Press? Perez Hilton?

I wasn’t planning a post this afternoon, but this was just too stupid to pass up.

Okay, seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10 dead babies, how bad-ass does this movie look? I’m going with a perfect 10 based on the trailer. On March 6th, 2009, we’ll see if the movie lives up to the novel.

Here’s the movie summary:

A complex, multi-layered mystery adventure, Watchmen is set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of the fabric of everyday society, and the “Doomsday Clock” - which charts the USA’s tension with the Soviet Union - is permanently set at five minutes to midnight. When one of his former colleagues is murdered, the washed-up but no less determined masked vigilante Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion - a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers - Rorschach glimpses a wide-ranging and disturbing conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity…but who is watching the watchmen?

“How could you do this to me?”
“We were meant to be together… Everyone knows you know it too.”
“Stop messing with my libido.”
“I cant haz butt secks?”

Those were just a few of the things I said today when I found out Sarah Silverman took back that dumpy loser Jimmy Kimmel.  (It should be noted I actually like Kimmel a lot, but I wouldn’t hesitate to throw a ninja star into his face if it meant I could have Sarah to myself)

Here are a few of the things I was planning to do to (and with, let’s be fair) Sarah if I was given the chance:

• Pooper sex
• Sing her a song about us making babies
• Proceed to make babies

(Not in that order)

The worst part is the asshole has the nerve to be photographed gripper her ass, as if to say “Hey Prom King, check out what you’re not going to be sticking your face into tonight!!”

I’m still keep faith that I’ll be Mr. Prom King-Silverman one day.  Who doesn’t want to marry the prom king? Yeah?

Usually I don’t like to mix business and pleasure, but the stock market is doing so shitty, I think I’m going to have a collapsed lung by the end of the month. The TSX is falling faster than Sarah Palin’s IQ (Note, I refrained from using the obvious “Paris Hilton’s Skirt” joke there).

For an idea of how poorly the market is doing, check yesterday’s “Draw Dicks” news report (DrawDicks.com), which clearly illustrates a white-uncircumcised penis over top of the TSX’s 1-month history. Check out how saggy those balls are, that pretty much sums it up right there.

While tootin’ around Facebook today, I noticed in my news-feed that people I know have joined a group called “IF 10 MILLION JOIN MARC ZOMBERG WILL BRING BACK THE OLD FACEBOOK!“, this was my LOI (laugh on the inside) of the day.

So first off, the most obvious…  Facebook boasts just over 100-million registered users, so literally almost 10% of users would have to join this group, which seems plausible on the surface.  However, consider how many users are almost completely inactive, the users that just come on to look at pictures of girls in bikinis and stalk people (like me), the please that just don’t give a fuck enough to join a group, the people who don’t circulate invites, plus subtract the people who actually LIKE the new look.  You’re left with well under 10M, not even mentioning the time it would take to circulate that kind of invite around Facebook (which would never happen) and the number of people who leave the group in the mean time.

Then there is “Marc Zomberg”.  Marc Zomberg wouldn’t do such a thing! Wanna know why?  Because if the joker who created this group is referring to Facebook’s founder and CEO (and the King of Dorks), he’d be talking about Mark Zuckerberg.  That literally took me 0.23 seconds to google.

I especially love the group description:

Today I received a message from Marc Zomberg the founder of the greatest company and he told me to make this group he wants to know how many people realy want the old facebook back, so he could bring it back.

Now we need everyone who want the old facebook back to join this group and invite everyone because he gave us only 20 days to do this.

Hurry up and invite we have only 20 days to do this.

As God did to Moses, the burden of carrying the word of the almighty to the people has been bestowed upon Jakob Pettersson, a young boy from London.  “Marc” went out of his way to ask this random guy to create a group on his own site, to protest his own site design (and INSISTED that he do so with COMPLETE disregard for commas and sentence structure!).  No, this makes complete sense to me.

This reminds me of the emails that I think every person I know forwarded me at one point, about Microsoft giving away thousands of dollars to people for circulating an email.  Just ignore the fact that the math on that one completely ridiculous, how would they even contact you and everyone else to send these cheques anyways.

Who falls for this shit?  Probably the same losers that call their friends and family and tell them they’ve won the lottery in England because an email told them so.

People just want to be part of some type of revolution so badly, it pains me to watch it.  This isn’t V For Vendetta here, and you’re definitely not Natalie Portman (because I’d already be trying to have sex with you if you were.  BTW, is she still dating Devendra Banhart? Because I will muder his ass if necessary).  Move on with your life! If the new Facebook interface is the top of your priority list when you’re visiting the site, then clearly you don’t have enough hot friends to creep. Get a life (or at least pretend to have one).

Step 1: Purchase some Axe Body Spray
You can pick this stuff up at any Shoppers Drug Mart (or Condom Shack?) near you.

Step 2: Spray it on your body
SHAZAM! Instant hooker. (Also consider spraying it in your pants for a true and authentic ‘tute experience)

Does anyone else realize this stuff smell like complete crap? I’ll hand it to them for having a pretty powerful marketing campaign (albeit, it’s a gettin’ a little old now - women fall all over you, ya, ya, we get it), but when it comes to smelling like a gigolo, Axe has it in the can, so to speak. (Get it? Can? Anyone? Go hang yourself)

If you really want to kick it old school (is that what the kids are doing?), locate some Malezia from the 90s, because I’m fairly confident Axe is just Malezia in disguise. Heck, maybe even rummage through your dad’s sock drawer for some Brut! Hells yeah!

Even better is now the brilliant minds at Unilever, Axe’s parent company, decided that woman-repelant should come in a convenient banaka-sized bottle.  Perfect for conceiling in your pocket to spray on your body right when your sexual target is in sight.  Frankly, I think you’d have better luck with the ladies if you sprayed mace all over your body.  You’re pretty much saying the same thing - “I will sexually assult you, and I probably have r’d a bunch of chicks in the past“.

Conclusion, if you like to attract she-males and STDs, Axe is defintely up your allyway.  But if you’re like me and choose not-so-subtle threatening emails and straight-out stalking as your weapon of choice with the ladies, then perhaps pass this one by gentlemen.

What’s up bitches and bichettes.  Been a long time, huh?

Just spreading some love through visual stimulation. How this video only has 787 views baffles my mind.  I call that poor marketing.

Perhaps I’ll post some other stuff I’ve been workin on sooner than later.  Yeah? You like that? Do you? HUH?