… this is my life.

I mean, I know 99% of the people who read this blog (I use that term loosely) are people I know anyways since I in no way, shape or form advertise this shiz around the web. You’ll definitely appreciate that this is me/us.

(Also, i have a sexy man crush on Zack Galifianakis)

I’m not usually one to pass along videos and email forwards, but I got this link today from a friend and was sad and disappointed enough to want to share it.  Since I’m gearing up for my trip to Jamaica this weekend, I likely won’t be around to post anything for a while.  But more importantly, I won’t be around for the inauguration of America’s new punching bag, Barack Obama.

It’s no surprise I’m a big fan of Dubbya. I don’t care for his foreign policy, and frankly, I don’t care much for anything America does as a whole. But the hours and entertainment this man has brought us over the years, deserves some recognition.

People always make a point of saying how stupid he is, etc, etc. But in all honesty, I’ve always thought he was brilliant. It’s like he has jokes running through his head at all times, and just laughs to himself at how stupid and unoriginal everyone else is. By far he’s the funniest, most entertaining president American has ever elected. I like to think he was misunderstood.

Goodbye George W. Bush! We hardly knew you.

Came across a list of the 100 Most Likely People To Die In 2009 on Cinema Blend today, thought I might share the wealth.

Most notable exception of course is that Shaneequa Bobble-Head (because that bitch’s head is always on a swivel, am I right?) Tyra Banks.  If it’s not possible to die from sheer ‘tude, I’m almost sure someone will be so fed up with her shit one of these days - enough so to spike her Slim Fast shakes with cyanide.  (… and I know just how to do it.  Uhh… I mean…)

P-Sway at numero six is a little pessimistic, I’d like to think he’ll be gone and out of everyone’s hair by mid-February at the latest. Here’s hoping.  Also, I’d be surprised if Gary Busey (#51) makes it through the night.

My most favouritest is definitely number 35!  The Iron Sheik has become my personal hero over the last year or so.  He’s made so many appearances all over YouTube, usually crying and/or raving about Chris Benoit’s murderous ass (Easter Egg: Notice CNN lists murdering your wife and 7-year old child as “Story Highlights”).  ”Sheiky-Baby” is the only man on earth who can go from screaming to crying to screaming faster than “celebs” are jumping on the Scientology bandwagon (Travolta killing his son, for the win!). Apparently Sheik has done a lot of Howard Stern appearances as of late, which has boosted his status. Too bad I don’t care because Howard Stern is so 1999 (seriously, when is THAT guy gonna die? I hear Syphilis is the new silent killer).

Least likely to come true? #85 in your program - Irving “Magic” Johnson. Everyone knows his insides were replaced with robot parts in the 90s. No one has AIDS for 32 years, sorry.  We’re on to you pal.

In the “Sorry To See You Go” department, we have Angela Landsbury at #49 of “Murder She Wrote” fame (define “fame”).  I know Dan will be most upset since that was definitely his favourite show growing up, next to “Dear John”.  At least she’ll be solving crimes up in heaven.

Finally, I love how Barack Obama at #10 is so much higher than John McCain at #88.  Eat that Matt Damon!

Enjoy.

I’m so friggin’ jacked for this movie! I feel like this could be the Baby Jesus to my Mary Immaculate, you know? No? Whatever, check out the behind the scenes video that was released yesterday.

Merry Christmas Turds and Turdettes.  Tis the time of year for giving, so I shall gift you the same thing I get everyone I don’t care to buy gifts for every year…

The greatest Christmas Video of all time.  Enjoy.

So I clearly haven’t been keeping up with my writing duties. For that, I’m appologetic.  Have I been busy? Hells yes. Is it your fault? Welllll… I didn’t want to say anything, but…

So you figure now our conversation will go like this:
You: So whats the deal? You’re gonna be writing again now right?
Me: Not really, no.
You: What’s the deal with that?
Me: Sorry no, I just won the lottery.

…and I wouldn’t be joking!  I just received an email today will change everything! No more eating from dumpsters (i.e. Rol Son on Spadina), no more begging for change (and by begging I mean sticking my wanger out with a sign that says “Street Meat, get it while it’s poor and desperate”).

Here is the email I got, with the subject line - “Yahoo! News- Lottery Messenger Yahoo! Lottery Results you won 200.000.00! Yahoo! Mail congratulates you‏”

Yahoo! News- Lottery Messenger Yahoo! Lottery Results you won 200.000.00! Yahoo! Mail congratulates you!
 
Yahoo! Mail announces you as one of the 5th lucky winners in the ongoing Yahoo Lottery Draw of the year 2008.
 
All 10 winning email addresses were randomly selected from a batch of 50,000,000 international emails each from Canada , Australia , United States , Asia, Europe, Middle East, Africa and Oceania as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually, consequently, you have been approved for a total pay out of ( 200.000.00 Euros)
 
This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some multinational companies and the WORLD BANK as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.
 
you won fund is deposited in a financial security company here in London for upward transfer to you.
 
You are to send the completed verification form below to the email address of your claim agent so that you will be advised on what to do to get your prize money. Congratulations once more!!
 
CLAIM AGENT DETAILS
NAME: Keith Harry
TELEPHONE: +447045731605
EMAIL: ukvotelottery@yahoo.co.uk

DR. JUAN,CARLOS
LOTTO COORDINATOR.

It then continues on with some details about how I should include my personal banking information so they can reward me my money. This seems 100% legit, so don’t be all j-los. Just because I didn’t enter a draw and just because Yahoo is a tech company who doesn’t hold lotteries, doesn’t make this any less real to me. I’m just going to wait for my cash to be “upward transfered”, then i’m outta here (like your real dad).

I’m just here to tell you clowns that I’m Peace-Out until I’ve spent all my cash on blow and hookers, then I’ll be back begging for your love.

So goes the cycle of life! Ta Ta.

We decided to embark on an adventure to the Steel City (aka America’s Shit Stain) Pittsburgh, PA. Being the birthplace of Andy Warhol and Warhol museum, as well as the location of my favourite hockey team, I was rather excited.

But really any excuse to smoke a few packs of Marlboros a day and drink excessively would excite me, right? (Although probably even a skipping rope in a circle on the floor with a penny in the middle would do it. Whatever, I’m tired and I have the “All-Nighter Chubs”)

The long and short of it is, we didn’t have a place to stay or really a thing to do and just jumped in a car and drove. Through our misadventures, I learned a few things (thankfully):

• Even after all these years of not eating Taco Bell, I was glad to see they still use the same recepe, slop-shit with a hint of homeless person’s urine. Also, Taco Bell USA doesn’t have Fries Supreme? What a disappointment, I couldn’t get my essential vitamines and nutrients! (”Then you had better add some extra tomatoes to my 12 tacos Amber”)
• If you hitchhike in Pittsburgh, you will likely get picked up by a bus full of black guys. I recommend you get on without asking questions, just DO NOT try so steal their beers when you depart. (I’m serious!!)
• Three guys singing songs like “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” and “Tiny Dancer” is very, very, straight, trust me. We were eating beef jerky, it’s cool.
• Hockey players in small cities get treated like royalty. They also probably get treated for STDs (Just saying)
• Tim from Wilkes-Barre who serves in the ‘Merican National Guard thinks “Obama is a Muslum” and is very upset about the election results. How upset? Well if there is a Presidential death threat from a sketchy dude with a meannnnnn hunch-back, you’ll know!
• Percocet makes a great parting gift (even if we did think they were Vicodin)

After partying until 2:00am and driving 7 hours home, I basically brushed my teeth and went to work. I’m officially naming today “John Daker Day” on account of me pretty much feeling today like John Daker does every day. Failing to sleep last night has me running on Coffee today, my brain is pretty much mashed potatoes right now. Sayonara

Way to go Obama. Way to be beat the odds big guy… following the worst Republican president in US history. Being Bush’s successor is going to be a tough challenge (as challenging as beating up kids… don’t judge me!). For rilllll.

Obama-related wagers I’m currently taking:

• How soon until someone drops the N-Bomb around him?
• How many bikes will Obama steal in his 4 year tenure?
• How soon until a reporter gets fired for pointing out Obama is black? (Think Rush Limbaugh mentioning McNabb was over-hyped because he was black and then getting fired by ESPN)
• How many months until a rapper ends up on a denomination of money?
• How many months until Palin ends up in playboy?

I will say this. Come Janvier, I’m really going to miss Dubya.

I used to wonder if I was capable of loving a man.  Now I know that man would have to be Tim and/or Eric.  I noticed on Amazon today that Tim and Eric, Awesome Show, Great Job: Season 2 DVD is being released on February 10th, and you bet your bananas I pre-ordered that shiz.

Tons of cameos, 200% more Casey and His Brother, and more laughs than the opposites of dead babies.

Also, as a sidebar, Tim and Eric directed the new Ben Folds video seen below.  And hey, the song doesn’t even suck.

You Dont Know Me (featuring Regina Spektor)

So the verdict is in, pre-order your copy todaaaaaaaaaaay!

Abso-lutely!

Links: Show Home | MySpace | Facebook | [Adult Swim] | Tim & Eric Season 1 DVD

After discussing this with a friend earlier, I thought it was about time the word got out on hand jobs.  They don’t even make sense!

Penises are for vaginas, mouths and the occasional tooshie - if you can get your girlfriend drunk enough to believe it would be a good idea to try it (and you know you’ve all had this conversation AT LEAST once).  But honestly, hand jobs should be left to the pros (and I’m not talking about ‘tutes ladies).

I mean fine, if it’s all you’re willing to give up then we’re willing to make the exception.  But if you’re even kind of a skank, then just go for the gusto girls.  Hands off.

“What are we doing wrong?“, you ask?  Usually everything.  Either too hard, or too soft or you’re pulling or pushing.  Unless it ends in a pearl necklace, then let’s just “keep et rill” and do it doggie style.  Cool?

Tell your friends!