For all the Hollywood Ho’s out there, you’re probably bathing in a pool of your own self righteousness right about now. The man who inspired a nation of people with moving roles in films like Lords of Dogtown and 10 Things I Hate About You. The man who proved that even in death, you can move mountain (uh… Broke… Back… nevermind). The man who will surely ecliped the legend of Jesus and his water to wine trickery, and live in lore for eternity. I’m talking about Heath Ledger ladies and gents… he won!

Now besides the fact that I think he did a fantastic job as the Joker, we all know he wouldn’t have even been nominated had he not died. Comic book movies never get recognition in legit categories and everyone knows that, it’s an unwritten rule. Ledger is probably rolling in his grave right now knowing that he’s been used as a marketing prop for not only the Oscars, but DVD sales for every movie he’s ever been in (like how they moved him to the cover of “I’m Not There” immediately after he died, when he was probably the 10th most important actor in that film).

Most upsetting to me was that they didn’t bring him out to accept the award! I’ve seen Weekend At Bernies, I know what’s possible with a little creativity and some CGI. Get that man on the stage and let’s do it right, ya know? Why am I the only one with any good ideas? Either way, he couldn’t have looked more dead than Sophia Lauren introducing Meryl Streep, am I right? (See photo top left, you could easily imagine that being her and not him, right?)

But more important than inspiring a whole new generation of drug addicts, this win finally answers the age old question - Who is the more successful ho’ from Dawson’s Creek? Looking at this from the all important Dawson’s Creek angle, we can finally prove who the more important whore was between Jen and Joey. Although both their husbands are dead (everyone knows Tom Cruise died after Top Gun), Heath Ledger now has an Oscar, Tom Cruise has a couple of Golden Globes, which we all know is just a pity award (like your “Participation” ribbon from track and field, fat ass). I predict TomKat has already fallen into self-destruction mode upon hearing this news and it will surely only be a matter of time before Xenu Cruise blasts off back to whatever planet he came from.

Ledger officially proves that to be adored by millions in North America, all you need to be is - young, good looking, addicted to drugs and DEAD. Way to send a message role model!

So I decided to venture out into the ass-fuck we call “Winter” and watch a flick (it must have been around -25 degrees last night). Now I’m going to tell you about it and probably spoil some of the plot. Enjoy.

We got there early, which is highly unlike me, only to find a completely empty theater. (Actually some adolescent girl was cleaning it and asked us to wait outside… “Ummm, are you cleaning ALL of these seats? Sorry, you can’t clean people’s garbage with an audience, slave girl? Pfff.”) Anyways, not until about a minute before a movie did anyone else show up. There ended up being 11 people in the theater including me and two friends. Did someone forget to market this film?

So the previews were actually quite good. I didn’t have to sit through another “Nick and Nora’s Infinite Juno Knock-Off” trailer, nor was their any crap with Sandra Bullock or sappy romcoms.

- W. (Oliver Stone directing a film on the funniest U.S. President of all time! Gold!)
- Rock’n'Rolla (Guy Richie made another Guy Richie film.)
- Rachel Getting Married (Anne Hathaway as a disturbed young adult. How can this fail?)
- Zack and Miri Make a Porno (I’ll watch anything that has boobs and Seth Rogen.)
- The Lucky Ones (This one was really suicide-provoking. It kind of ruined the other previews. Injured Army vets come home to lives of nothing, shown over Sarah McLaughlin depressing the hell out of you. You’ll find me hanging in the garage.)

Okay, so onto the movie…

Sam Rockwell plays “Vincent”, who’s a sex-addict attending recovery meetings (does every Chuck Palahniuk book involve recovery meetings?). Would that not be the best place to pick up woman? Nevermind.

Long story short, Vincent’s crazy mother (Anjelica Huston) is in the loony bin and he struggles with memories of her insanity and trying to find out who his father is. That actually sounds rather ordinary on paper. I assure you, there are a lot of boobs in this movie, so it makes it more exciting than I’m making it sound. (Also, is it just me or is Anjelica Huston kind of hot? That’s probably kind of awkward, isn’t it?).

Things I liked: For a good portion of the movie, Vincent believes he’s the son of Jesus Christ, so we have that in common, because pretty much I’m almost sure of it to be true about myself (It’s the only logical explanation really). Also, there were a ton of boobs, but I think I mentioned that earlier.

Things I didn’t like: Could have been darker. Sex addiction, strippers, mental hospital, intentional choking, Jesus complex, reenactments of colonial American history… throw those together and you really could have had the making of this decades Harold & Maude.

None the less, the movie was worth my time, which is all that matters. And it ended in a Radiohead song, which is never a bad thing. It certainly was no Fight Club, and I tried not to compare it in any way. But the story was flowing, no boring scenes and I laughed more than once.

Verdict:
7.5 Cocks out of 10.
(The mini cock is like “the chubs“… it’s like a half… get it? Not Funny? Go fuck yourself.)