So I clearly haven’t been keeping up with my writing duties. For that, I’m appologetic.  Have I been busy? Hells yes. Is it your fault? Welllll… I didn’t want to say anything, but…

So you figure now our conversation will go like this:
You: So whats the deal? You’re gonna be writing again now right?
Me: Not really, no.
You: What’s the deal with that?
Me: Sorry no, I just won the lottery.

…and I wouldn’t be joking!  I just received an email today will change everything! No more eating from dumpsters (i.e. Rol Son on Spadina), no more begging for change (and by begging I mean sticking my wanger out with a sign that says “Street Meat, get it while it’s poor and desperate”).

Here is the email I got, with the subject line - “Yahoo! News- Lottery Messenger Yahoo! Lottery Results you won 200.000.00! Yahoo! Mail congratulates you‏”

Yahoo! News- Lottery Messenger Yahoo! Lottery Results you won 200.000.00! Yahoo! Mail congratulates you!
 
Yahoo! Mail announces you as one of the 5th lucky winners in the ongoing Yahoo Lottery Draw of the year 2008.
 
All 10 winning email addresses were randomly selected from a batch of 50,000,000 international emails each from Canada , Australia , United States , Asia, Europe, Middle East, Africa and Oceania as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually, consequently, you have been approved for a total pay out of ( 200.000.00 Euros)
 
This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some multinational companies and the WORLD BANK as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.
 
you won fund is deposited in a financial security company here in London for upward transfer to you.
 
You are to send the completed verification form below to the email address of your claim agent so that you will be advised on what to do to get your prize money. Congratulations once more!!
 
CLAIM AGENT DETAILS
NAME: Keith Harry
TELEPHONE: +447045731605
EMAIL: ukvotelottery@yahoo.co.uk

DR. JUAN,CARLOS
LOTTO COORDINATOR.

It then continues on with some details about how I should include my personal banking information so they can reward me my money. This seems 100% legit, so don’t be all j-los. Just because I didn’t enter a draw and just because Yahoo is a tech company who doesn’t hold lotteries, doesn’t make this any less real to me. I’m just going to wait for my cash to be “upward transfered”, then i’m outta here (like your real dad).

I’m just here to tell you clowns that I’m Peace-Out until I’ve spent all my cash on blow and hookers, then I’ll be back begging for your love.

So goes the cycle of life! Ta Ta.

We decided to embark on an adventure to the Steel City (aka America’s Shit Stain) Pittsburgh, PA. Being the birthplace of Andy Warhol and Warhol museum, as well as the location of my favourite hockey team, I was rather excited.

But really any excuse to smoke a few packs of Marlboros a day and drink excessively would excite me, right? (Although probably even a skipping rope in a circle on the floor with a penny in the middle would do it. Whatever, I’m tired and I have the “All-Nighter Chubs”)

The long and short of it is, we didn’t have a place to stay or really a thing to do and just jumped in a car and drove. Through our misadventures, I learned a few things (thankfully):

• Even after all these years of not eating Taco Bell, I was glad to see they still use the same recepe, slop-shit with a hint of homeless person’s urine. Also, Taco Bell USA doesn’t have Fries Supreme? What a disappointment, I couldn’t get my essential vitamines and nutrients! (”Then you had better add some extra tomatoes to my 12 tacos Amber”)
• If you hitchhike in Pittsburgh, you will likely get picked up by a bus full of black guys. I recommend you get on without asking questions, just DO NOT try so steal their beers when you depart. (I’m serious!!)
• Three guys singing songs like “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” and “Tiny Dancer” is very, very, straight, trust me. We were eating beef jerky, it’s cool.
• Hockey players in small cities get treated like royalty. They also probably get treated for STDs (Just saying)
• Tim from Wilkes-Barre who serves in the ‘Merican National Guard thinks “Obama is a Muslum” and is very upset about the election results. How upset? Well if there is a Presidential death threat from a sketchy dude with a meannnnnn hunch-back, you’ll know!
• Percocet makes a great parting gift (even if we did think they were Vicodin)

After partying until 2:00am and driving 7 hours home, I basically brushed my teeth and went to work. I’m officially naming today “John Daker Day” on account of me pretty much feeling today like John Daker does every day. Failing to sleep last night has me running on Coffee today, my brain is pretty much mashed potatoes right now. Sayonara

Check it to wreck it…

Guess who’s going to Deerhunter on Wednesday? Uh huh… this ma-fucka.  In anticipation of this joyous eve of beer drinking and tall skinny rock stars, check out some live footage of the new single “Nothing Ever Happened”…

…err… no uh, wait…

Way to go Obama. Way to be beat the odds big guy… following the worst Republican president in US history. Being Bush’s successor is going to be a tough challenge (as challenging as beating up kids… don’t judge me!). For rilllll.

Obama-related wagers I’m currently taking:

• How soon until someone drops the N-Bomb around him?
• How many bikes will Obama steal in his 4 year tenure?
• How soon until a reporter gets fired for pointing out Obama is black? (Think Rush Limbaugh mentioning McNabb was over-hyped because he was black and then getting fired by ESPN)
• How many months until a rapper ends up on a denomination of money?
• How many months until Palin ends up in playboy?

I will say this. Come Janvier, I’m really going to miss Dubya.