So I decided to venture out into the ass-fuck we call “Winter” and watch a flick (it must have been around -25 degrees last night). Now I’m going to tell you about it and probably spoil some of the plot. Enjoy.

We got there early, which is highly unlike me, only to find a completely empty theater. (Actually some adolescent girl was cleaning it and asked us to wait outside… “Ummm, are you cleaning ALL of these seats? Sorry, you can’t clean people’s garbage with an audience, slave girl? Pfff.”) Anyways, not until about a minute before a movie did anyone else show up. There ended up being 11 people in the theater including me and two friends. Did someone forget to market this film?

So the previews were actually quite good. I didn’t have to sit through another “Nick and Nora’s Infinite Juno Knock-Off” trailer, nor was their any crap with Sandra Bullock or sappy romcoms.

- W. (Oliver Stone directing a film on the funniest U.S. President of all time! Gold!)
- Rock’n'Rolla (Guy Richie made another Guy Richie film.)
- Rachel Getting Married (Anne Hathaway as a disturbed young adult. How can this fail?)
- Zack and Miri Make a Porno (I’ll watch anything that has boobs and Seth Rogen.)
- The Lucky Ones (This one was really suicide-provoking. It kind of ruined the other previews. Injured Army vets come home to lives of nothing, shown over Sarah McLaughlin depressing the hell out of you. You’ll find me hanging in the garage.)

Okay, so onto the movie…

Sam Rockwell plays “Vincent”, who’s a sex-addict attending recovery meetings (does every Chuck Palahniuk book involve recovery meetings?). Would that not be the best place to pick up woman? Nevermind.

Long story short, Vincent’s crazy mother (Anjelica Huston) is in the loony bin and he struggles with memories of her insanity and trying to find out who his father is. That actually sounds rather ordinary on paper. I assure you, there are a lot of boobs in this movie, so it makes it more exciting than I’m making it sound. (Also, is it just me or is Anjelica Huston kind of hot? That’s probably kind of awkward, isn’t it?).

Things I liked: For a good portion of the movie, Vincent believes he’s the son of Jesus Christ, so we have that in common, because pretty much I’m almost sure of it to be true about myself (It’s the only logical explanation really). Also, there were a ton of boobs, but I think I mentioned that earlier.

Things I didn’t like: Could have been darker. Sex addiction, strippers, mental hospital, intentional choking, Jesus complex, reenactments of colonial American history… throw those together and you really could have had the making of this decades Harold & Maude.

None the less, the movie was worth my time, which is all that matters. And it ended in a Radiohead song, which is never a bad thing. It certainly was no Fight Club, and I tried not to compare it in any way. But the story was flowing, no boring scenes and I laughed more than once.

Verdict:
7.5 Cocks out of 10.
(The mini cock is like “the chubs“… it’s like a half… get it? Not Funny? Go fuck yourself.)