I used to wonder if I was capable of loving a man.  Now I know that man would have to be Tim and/or Eric.  I noticed on Amazon today that Tim and Eric, Awesome Show, Great Job: Season 2 DVD is being released on February 10th, and you bet your bananas I pre-ordered that shiz.

Tons of cameos, 200% more Casey and His Brother, and more laughs than the opposites of dead babies.

Also, as a sidebar, Tim and Eric directed the new Ben Folds video seen below.  And hey, the song doesn’t even suck.

You Dont Know Me (featuring Regina Spektor)

So the verdict is in, pre-order your copy todaaaaaaaaaaay!

Abso-lutely!

Links: Show Home | MySpace | Facebook | [Adult Swim] | Tim & Eric Season 1 DVD

After discussing this with a friend earlier, I thought it was about time the word got out on hand jobs.  They don’t even make sense!

Penises are for vaginas, mouths and the occasional tooshie - if you can get your girlfriend drunk enough to believe it would be a good idea to try it (and you know you’ve all had this conversation AT LEAST once).  But honestly, hand jobs should be left to the pros (and I’m not talking about ‘tutes ladies).

I mean fine, if it’s all you’re willing to give up then we’re willing to make the exception.  But if you’re even kind of a skank, then just go for the gusto girls.  Hands off.

“What are we doing wrong?“, you ask?  Usually everything.  Either too hard, or too soft or you’re pulling or pushing.  Unless it ends in a pearl necklace, then let’s just “keep et rill” and do it doggie style.  Cool?

Tell your friends!

Just came across this, for all your LOST-igators.  The REAL Season 5 Promo Trailer.

Enjoy!

So I just got back from Las Vegas, hence the lack of postages.  Sorry, I didn’t bring you guys anything back.  Well… maybe a few STD’s. But seriously, I hear the Clap isn’t really a big deal (5 red pills, 5 blue pills, easy-peezy).

Highlights of my trip:

• Running into the American’s Next Top Model girls at Caesars and laughing in their face, then yelling out “Is that Tyra’s lunch?” when the huge food cart rolled out. (Okay, that only happened in my head, but still)
• Spending copious amounts of money on Vodka, stumbling up to my hotel room and puking out the over-sized Carnegie’s corned beef sandwich I had eaten for lunch. That shit was all over the bathroom floor and garbage can! All the while my friend was puking his chicken salad lunch in the sink.  Did anyone consider using the toilet - No.
• Not getting arrested! Go me.

Anywho, I’ll get my creative juices flowing this week and grace you with something funny, or at least something you won’t regret in the morning (like 90% of your sexual encounters).

I’ve decided I hate Rachel Ray.  She is probably the second most irritating person on television, behind Tyra “Fivehead” Banks (of course).  How do people sit through this woman’s show and not want to punch something?  She is so loud and obnoxious.  I’m actually getting really upset as I write this.

Watch this video.  First of all, stop bashing your husband.  The sheer fact that he’s married you and continues to put up with you, tells me he probably partially retarded.  And everyone knows how I feel about making fun of retards.

But just look how excited she gets about taking the silk off of a corn.  So excited she proceeds to have sex with said corn.  Gross Rachel.  As Tyra might say: “You nasty girl”.

Also notice the awkward “cheers” the old broad does at the end (especially evident in the slow motion part).  Looks like she’s trying to lightsaber Ray-Ray, and with good reason (her high pitched laugh has threatened the structural integrity of the Death Star).

This video also reminds me of an unrelated joke…

How do you starve a black guy?  Put his food spamps in his work boots (Bud Ump Cheee).

I’m off to Vegas for the weekend.  Enjoy yourselves.

Since it’s the day after Thanksgiving (Canada), and I’m totally feeling the effects of the “itis“, I’m going to laze out and just post a video that is both hillarious and fucken hillarious at the same time.

Is there anything funnier than people getting hit with things? Especially on bikes. (Hint: NO)

I came across a new story today on the front page of the CNN website’s “Crime” section that helped me conclude that the people at CNN are unfit to write news stories.

Call me insensitive, whatever, I’ve heard it all before. But this is the caption CNN posted under their news story if you’re unable to read it from the photo.

A man who kicked his girlfriend’s daughter in the head, decapitated her and dumped her body in the woods is convicted of murder. The verdict resolves a case that haunted the Kansas City, Missouri, area during the four years the 3-year-old was known only as “Precious Doe.”

Do you have to point out the fact they he kicked her in the head? Is decapitation just not enough? He actually CUT HER HEAD OFF, I think the fact that he kicked it first is kind of moot at this point, agree?

Not to mention the fact that the actual story itself is rife with run on sentences, lack of punctuation and plenty of potential for reader confusion.  Who writes for the Associated Press? Perez Hilton?

I wasn’t planning a post this afternoon, but this was just too stupid to pass up.

Before I review the show, in my typical cynical fashion, I’m going to throw this out here:

The invention of the digital camera and portable recording devices was the death of the rock and roll show.

Profound? (I know, I’m amazing)

Really though, it’s the truth. But probably not in the way you think. WHY do I go to a show and have to view the band through a sea of glowing white screens being held above people’s heads? What is this obsession people have? I really don’t understand it. You pay $50 for a ticket and watch the entire show through a mini digital camera you’re holding over your head. How is that enjoyable? I’d rather run my dick along a cheese grater, but that’s just me.

And what’s with tall people?  I decided the other day that NO ONE should be taller than 6 feet.  Does that sound unreasonable? What’s the fucken point? Ladders were invented long ago, we don’t need you people anymore, you have no business here, fair fellow. From now on, I will officially punch any person at a show over 6 feet, in the dick. SQUARE in the dick.

So, I went to a show, didn’t I?  Oh ya, well let me start out by saying that the highlight was watchign some dude slowly slump over onto the bar and puke some relish-looking sludge from his mouth, then collapse to the floor.  You can’t put a price on that shit. We literally just stood and stared at him, rather than call someone of significance (bartender, juiced up bouncer, ghostbusters).

Oh, oh, another fun part was when we were waiting in line for wrist bands, I heard some girl say “Ya, were here to see MGMT, there is another band called Beck too I think.”  I literally almost punched her, then I realized I don’t need anymore assult charges (Punching a drunk clown? How does that even count?).  I hate kids under 19 at shows. Final answer.

MGMT was on when we got in, was pretty jacked to see them since I’ve been reppin’ that album from before some chick asked me “Do you know that song with the girls singing… something-something-pretend?”. I was sorely disappointed kiddies, the sound was ear piercing.  I know I’m getting old, but it wasn’t even the volume, it was just poor sound quality. Strike 1 (I only allow 1 strike by the way, I’m a no-bullshit kind of guy). MGMT = FAIL.

Beck came on pretty prompty and didn’t disappoint - staring with an awesome version of “Loser”.  Highlights included some rapping and record-scratching, as well as him playing every song he needed to play to impress me.  Lot of Odalay and just enough new stuff.  Some fucken 7 foot giant blocked my view of Mr Hanson the whole time, but whatever, I’m over it.  Sound was good, which made me even more pissed about MGMT I think.

Regardless, Beck didn’t disappoint and I’ve found a few new categories of people to dislike, great success. Peace in the Middle East, b-words.

Okay, seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10 dead babies, how bad-ass does this movie look? I’m going with a perfect 10 based on the trailer. On March 6th, 2009, we’ll see if the movie lives up to the novel.

Here’s the movie summary:

A complex, multi-layered mystery adventure, Watchmen is set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of the fabric of everyday society, and the “Doomsday Clock” - which charts the USA’s tension with the Soviet Union - is permanently set at five minutes to midnight. When one of his former colleagues is murdered, the washed-up but no less determined masked vigilante Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion - a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers - Rorschach glimpses a wide-ranging and disturbing conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity…but who is watching the watchmen?

“How could you do this to me?”
“We were meant to be together… Everyone knows you know it too.”
“Stop messing with my libido.”
“I cant haz butt secks?”

Those were just a few of the things I said today when I found out Sarah Silverman took back that dumpy loser Jimmy Kimmel.  (It should be noted I actually like Kimmel a lot, but I wouldn’t hesitate to throw a ninja star into his face if it meant I could have Sarah to myself)

Here are a few of the things I was planning to do to (and with, let’s be fair) Sarah if I was given the chance:

• Pooper sex
• Sing her a song about us making babies
• Proceed to make babies

(Not in that order)

The worst part is the asshole has the nerve to be photographed gripper her ass, as if to say “Hey Prom King, check out what you’re not going to be sticking your face into tonight!!”

I’m still keep faith that I’ll be Mr. Prom King-Silverman one day.  Who doesn’t want to marry the prom king? Yeah?